September 16, 2011

angel baby

There really aren't words to accurately describe the emotions I have felt over the last month.  I have been happy.  I have been scared.  I have been sad.  I have been angry.  This rollercoaster journey of emotions started about a month ago when I saw this:

We had only been "trying" for a month so I was beyond surprised by this little word popping up!  And even though it wasn't exactly in the plans for right now, we decided to trust God and knew that this baby was a gift from Him.  We were excited at the thought of adding to our family.  I began dreaming of a nursery, picking out baby things again and preparing Hannah to be a big sister.  Jason and I were even talking about how our "plans" for 2012 would change but we were so excited about the future and this little one.

We didn't tell anyone right away because I wasn't sure how far along I was and we wanted to make everything was as it should be before spreading this exciting news. 

I had been spotting (TMI, I know) for a few days over Labor Day weekend and just didn't feel confident that this was going to end the way we were praying, hoping, planning.  (I had told my mom and my sister of the pregnancy at this point.) I first saw my doctor on Wednesday, September 7 with feelings that something was wrong.  I just knew things weren't as they should be.  After an ultrasound, it was confirmed that there was no heart beat and though I should have been about 10.5 weeks, the baby had stopped growing at 6.5 weeks.  I had already cried about the possibility of miscarriage so I wasn't too shocked by this news.  My doctor gave us a little hope that everything could still be fine but she was very honest and didn't expect a different result at my next appointment.  I was scheduled to come back the following Monday for an ultrasound to see if there was a heart beat and develop a plan based on those results.

Thursday morning, I woke up in a lot of pain.  I'll spare you the details but it wasn't a pretty morning.  Jason and I headed to the ER to figure out what was going on.  We knew pretty quickly that I was, in fact, having a miscarriage.  I endured lots of pain, lots of exams and lots of tears throughout the day Thursday.  What I went through in the ER, I would never wish upon anyone.  It. was. awful.  We spent 8 hours in the ER before we were finally released and they said everything was gone and I would be fine.

I went back to my doctor on Monday for a follow-up ultrasound to confirm that, indeed, there wasn't anything left in my uterus.  But there was.  There were lots of blood clots and still a "mass" that needed to be removed.  I had a choice: medication or D&C.  I opted for the D&C at this point because I had already endured the medication of the ER and I didn't want to live through that again.  I was beyond ready for this whole ordeal to be over.  And I was alone at this appointment because I assured Jason Monday morning that everything would be fine and this was just a routine check-up and there wouldn't be any big decisions to be made regarding the "next step".  Wrong.  I will never go to an OB appointment without him again.  So I headed to pre-op and got ready for a D&C on Tuesday.

Tuesday morning, Jason and I headed to the hospital at 10:30 for surgery at 12:00.  Of course, they were running behind and I laid in a hospital bed for nearly 2 hours before being taken back to the OR around 12:45.

 My sweet husband who put up with A LOT this week!

 Jason passed the time waiting in pre-op playing Angry Birds.

Ready for the OR.
 
Surgery was quick.  Though I don't remember a thing after being wheeled into the OR. Ha!  The first thing I remember was my sweet discharge nurse waking me up, helping me out of bed and seeing Jason and my mom waiting to take me home.  The next little bit was a blur but we did stop for Sonic Happy Hour and Redbox movies.  The perfect way to recover! :)

 Jason and I have been so incredibly humbled and blessed by family and friends who have helped us out SO much over the last week.  We had dinner provided by sweet friends several nights after spending two different days in the hospital.  My mom and dad completely cleaned our house the day I spent in the ER.  They also kept Hannah several nights and gave up their plans so I could rest and begin to heal.  I can't even begin to count how many text messages, facebook messages and phone calls we've gotten from friends, near and far, checking on us and praying for us.  We've had goodies left on our front porch and flowers adorn our kitchen table.  Thank you to each and every person who has been praying for us and helping us.  You are a blessing to our family.
 
I know this "journey" isn't over.  I know God is bigger than the hurt, pain, sadness, guilt and confusion I feel right now.  I'm glad the physical part of this journey is coming to a close but I know the emotional and mental journey is just beginning.  We trust that God's timing is better than ours.  We trust that He loves us and His plans are PERFECT.  We look forward to the day that we will hold another baby this side of Heaven but we also look forward to the day that we will hold angel baby in Heaven.

10 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry, Stacey. You are such a strong woman. I will be praying as you continue to deal with all the emotions.

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  2. Stacey! You are in my prayers. I have had two close friends go through this, so I semi know what you're going through. Not fun at all, but knowing that God is in control and he does all things good, may help a little. Never easy so I'm sorry :( You should check out our blog. We haven't updated it in a long time, but you should check out our daughters story..
    babyszyrko.blogspot.com

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  3. Thank you girls so much for your sweet words! This definitely isn't an easy journey but it does help writing it out and "seeing" what I'm feeling. Thanks for praying for us as we figure out the next step for our little family.

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  4. Stace, I'm sorry I didn't know. I didn't know you were going through this the last month, so much happiness then so much sadness. I'm so sorry this happened. It doesn't make sense. I'm praying for you and Jason. I love you and I know that angel baby loves you too.

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  5. Stacey, I am so so sorry for your loss! I will be praying for you and your family! I hope your doing well!

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  6. oh Stacey!!! I'm crying tears and my heart is breaking for you right now!!! I'm so so sorry you've had to go through this!! PLEASE let me know if you need/want to talk! I know how you feel...and it's so hard. Praying for peace and strength as you walk through this.

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  7. Stacey! I had no idea you guys were going through that! I wish we were there to help out with those meals and hugs! I will keep you guys in my prayers. Please let me know if I can pray for anything specific!

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  9. I came across your blog through Jenna's Journey. I just want to say that I am so so sorry for your loss. My husband and I lost our second child in November 2010. Just like you, we went for the first ultrasound and there wasn't a heartbeat. I opted out of medication since it happened the week of Thanksgiving. I ended up having a D and C the next Friday. I know God's timing will be perfect for you and your family. We are now expecting again in December. I still have times when I question why and not a day goes by that I don't think about our angel baby. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I will keep you in my prayers.

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